Eight behaviours worth checking
- It has to be your way. Not on one thing; on most things. If a partner’s decision for you both is automatically wrong, that is the pattern.
- Other people’s opinions do not get a hearing. You are against a plan before you have heard it.
- You steer people. Guilt, sulking, selective truth, whatever gets the result. If you are good at it, you may not call it manipulation.
- You do not apologise. Or you apologise for their feelings (“sorry you took it that way”) rather than for what you did.
- You keep score of what you give and lose count of what you receive.
- Your feedback is mostly criticism. People close to you have gone quiet, which is the sign to notice.
- You talk about people behind their backs in ways you would not say to their faces.
- Other people’s time is less valuable than yours. Late, cancelling, expecting flexibility you do not offer.
Two or three of these, occasionally, is a person. Most of them, most of the time, is a pattern. The test that cuts through self-report: ask two people who love you and are not afraid of you.
Selfishness versus self-care
Self-care is looking after your own needs so you can meet your obligations; selfishness is meeting your needs by making others carry your obligations. Saying no to a favour is self-care. Saying yes and then not doing it, or doing it resentfully and charging for it later, is the other thing. The distinction matters because “I’m just setting boundaries” has become a common way of dressing up the second as the first.
If you are on the receiving end
A partner or relative who never has enough, never thanks, never apologises and never changes is exhausting in a specific way: you keep trying harder, and it keeps not working. That effort is the tell. The question is not how to please them; it is how much of your life you are prepared to spend on it. Avoiding energy vampires covers boundaries with people who drain you, and if the selfishness includes control, monitoring or fear, that is abuse, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help you think it through.
What shadow work adds
Selfishness is almost always in the shadow, because nobody was taught to admit it. The shadow-work move is not to decide you are a bad person; it is to find the specific trait underneath (fear of not getting enough, a childhood where you had to grab, a habit of being served that no one ever challenged) and own it, so it runs you less. One prompt: “What do I take that I would resent someone else taking?” Twenty minutes, then close the book.
Looking at your own patterns?
Our guide covers how to pace shadow work, the signs to pause, the difference from therapy, and a starter set of prompts.
I found this article to be incredibly enlightening! It’s so important to recognize the difference between self-care and selfishness. I appreciate how it highlights the need for balance in our relationships. Great read!
Honestly, this article is just another lecture on how we should act. Not everyone can be perfect, and sometimes putting yourself first is necessary for survival. Stop shaming people for taking care of themselves!
This piece provides a fascinating psychological perspective on selfishness. The traits outlined are very recognizable and align with many theories in psychology regarding narcissism and interpersonal relationships. Well-researched!
‘Selfishness is bad!’ Wow, ground-breaking insight here! Next, you’ll tell me water is wet. Maybe some people are just really into self-preservation—ever think of that?
If being selfish means I’m eating the last slice of pizza all by myself… then guilty as charged! 🍕 But hey, can we blame someone for wanting pizza?
“You aren’t giving.” Isn’t that a bit harsh? Some folks might just be introverted or overwhelmed by their own struggles. We shouldn’t jump to conclusions without understanding their context.
Right? This whole article feels like a finger-pointing session instead of encouraging dialogue about emotional well-being.
While I understand the author’s points about selfishness, I think it’s overly simplistic to label people as just ‘selfish.’ Everyone has different motivations, and sometimes what appears selfish may be a coping mechanism.
“You might be selfish if you never apologize.” That’s like saying you might be a cat if you knock things off tables! Come on, not apologizing is practically a lifestyle choice for some folks! 😂
‘Selfish’ or ‘selectively unaware’? Because let’s face it; some people just can’t seem to see beyond their own noses! 😂